o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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