I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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