Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
