I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Say something about gay babies.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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