On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
