My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
