Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
