I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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