Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
