Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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