ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
