using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
