I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
