So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
