I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So squirting runs in the family.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
