he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
