Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
