Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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