I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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