I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
