The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
