She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
