I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
