I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
