I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
