I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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