that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
