rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
