I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
