I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
