you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
