This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
