Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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