I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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