Can Purell be used as lube?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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