The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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