I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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