How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I looked at my own cervix.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
