I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
