I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
