Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Of course I have a pirate flag
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.