I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
