I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
