Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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