In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
