I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
