just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
