Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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