I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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