: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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