be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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