does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I showed him my bush... on skype.
zippers are such a cool invention
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
