Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
