I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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