batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Please don't give away my fajitas
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
