she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
