I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
