I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
