I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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